Deborah's Notes

I was a little put-off in my one-on-one with John today. I knew he'd take issue with my 3-week vacation. But I also knew I wouldn't apologize for it. We had a good conversation, he remained pleasant, and things went better than I could have hoped for.  But it also felt like we were drawing lines when it came to discussing my career path. I don't intend to stay with Hangar for more than a year. We're both clear on that. And as such, he wasn't overly flowery in his discussion of where I could go in this role. It's temporary.  But back to vacation. He called me out because "we just don't do that in this world". Which is fair, and true. But that was a more defining moment that I think I even recognize now. I don't really want to be in this world long term. I want the flexibility to see my family when I want to see them. I don't want to be in a dim office from 9-5 every day. I was to take more control over the projects I choose to work on.  I kn

 I don't have time to plan everything out perfectly, but I know I need to start changing things - I just don't know where to start.  I have enough time to do what I need to do, but I still can't/don't/won't get it all done. So many things suck away my time. Some of them are good things, high quality. Others, not so much.  Bishop today was talking about creating versus consuming in a new light I really appreciated. Am I consuming entertainment, or creating things I find entertaining? Am I consuming fast food, or creating healthy meals and memories with my food?  Shifting this mindset can make a huge difference.  Focusing on creating from what I have with the time available to me will be more fulfilling every time.  At the same time, I need to find a balance where I'm not condemning myself whenever I want entertainment. Just like with food, where I find the most success when I start out with a plan, I need to develop plans that allow for flexibility, but also take

 Why am I even in grad school?  To prove myself - to my parents, faculty mentors, former classmates, extended family, people who just didn't like me or thought I wouldn't amount to much To challenge myself To get a higher paying job once I graduate To open the door to teaching down the road To set myself apart in a competitive field To use up my college fund that disappears if I don't use it The imagined idea of coming home from work, with no other responsibilities on my plate, sounds luxurious right now. I'm not even really doing my grad school work. It's not even that much or that hard, but just the idea of it is wearing me thin. I feel burnt out constantly and don't really have the creative energy to do well. But then I don't give myself permission to do sub-par work. And I don't want to run any risks with not doing well. I still have A's in both my classes, but only because I haven't submitted anything.  I'm allowing LinkedIn to scare me

 I feel so far behind on so many big important things I need to take care of. And this weekend I had the time to catch up. I really did. But then I didn't. I keep feeling guilty about not inviting people over, so then I do. But then I use it as an excuse to avoid what I actually want to do. It's so contradictory, I'm trying to make sense of it. I keep doing what I think other people want me to do - and to a degree I do. But then it feels like a waste of everybody's time.  We watched some awful Bible movies today. Then under the claim of wanting to "avoid responsibility", that's just what I did, skipping through awful movie trailers. When I really wanted to be making a spreadsheet for next week, or cleaning my office, or putting away laundry, or reading a book. But wanting  to do those productive things would contradict my persona of the moment, which was one seeking out cheap entertainment and complaining about being responsible. Because misery loves compa