9 October 2022

 I feel so far behind on so many big important things I need to take care of. And this weekend I had the time to catch up. I really did. But then I didn't. I keep feeling guilty about not inviting people over, so then I do. But then I use it as an excuse to avoid what I actually want to do. It's so contradictory, I'm trying to make sense of it. I keep doing what I think other people want me to do - and to a degree I do. But then it feels like a waste of everybody's time. 

We watched some awful Bible movies today. Then under the claim of wanting to "avoid responsibility", that's just what I did, skipping through awful movie trailers. When I really wanted to be making a spreadsheet for next week, or cleaning my office, or putting away laundry, or reading a book. But wanting to do those productive things would contradict my persona of the moment, which was one seeking out cheap entertainment and complaining about being responsible. Because misery loves company ... but only for so long. I'm kind of done with it, and I think Olivia is too. Being miserable benefits neither of us. Not that I need to be peppy and fake, but I think taking ownership of my attitude and behavior and choosing positivity and productivity leaves a better impression on the people around me than wallowing in fake misery ever will.