grad school

 Why am I even in grad school? 

• To prove myself - to my parents, faculty mentors, former classmates, extended family, people who just didn't like me or thought I wouldn't amount to much
• To challenge myself
• To get a higher paying job once I graduate
• To open the door to teaching down the road
• To set myself apart in a competitive field
• To use up my college fund that disappears if I don't use it

The imagined idea of coming home from work, with no other responsibilities on my plate, sounds luxurious right now. I'm not even really doing my grad school work. It's not even that much or that hard, but just the idea of it is wearing me thin. I feel burnt out constantly and don't really have the creative energy to do well. But then I don't give myself permission to do sub-par work. And I don't want to run any risks with not doing well. I still have A's in both my classes, but only because I haven't submitted anything. 

I'm allowing LinkedIn to scare me with the fact that the UX field is oversaturated with junior designers. In some ways, that motivates me to stick with it. I'll stand apart from other juniors for sure, maybe even bypass the junior roles altogether. At the same time, I could be spending this time developing skills in the field if I could position myself right in the jobs I apply for. 

I feel guilty for being happy where I'm at. Am I really happy? Maybe. I know I settled for the job I have. I could make 3x as much money at a job almost anywhere else. That PR guy who spoke the night I applied said don't settle. But I've chosen the flexibility and low commitment over something that will push me. Am I squandering my skills? Not really. Was it the safe choice? Yes. But I'm scared to take a risk right now. If I take a risk and fail, I move back home. I choose scraping by right now over that. 

So here I am in Rexburg, making just barely enough to cover rent and a car payment and groceries. Knowing I can't afford car maintenance and health insurance until January when I start teaching.

And I'm scared for January, because I'll be adding one more class to my plate, and I'll be teaching. And Hannah and Olivia will both be gone, who have been my two primary pillars I depend on. In some ways that might be good, forcing me to take more control and exercise more independence. 

But what if I fail? 

I keep envisioning small successes, and it's entirely within reach. But then I just slip into mindless social media scrolling, and constant complaining about the life that I wished for. If I just have 5% more self control I would be thriving. But instead I eat fistfuls of candy and watch Instagram reels until 2am. I don't give myself quality rest time, because I feel this obligation to always be busy. But I don't need busy, I need real. 

I worry about the priorities that should be high but are growing lower and lower because I don't have the time or the money. Things like healthcare. If I pinch this nerve in my neck again, I'm incapacitated for 3 days minimum. My eye fatigue is only getting worse, where I can't focus my eyes long enough to get much done. 

Last night laying in bed scrolling mindlessly through an unimportant article, I closed my right eye to see what I could see. I could techinically see it all - but through a filter. Like a layer of clouded pixels blocking the right half from view. The obstruction was equivalent to what I see when my eyes are closed, but directly on top of the slightly blurred view of my eyes. 

I worry constantly about my vision deteriorating so much. But I can't afford vision care. I can't even afford new glasses with blue light filters for a long while. What if I'm blind by the time I'm 30? 

Olivia started laughing because she heard Christmas music playing upstairs. I stared confused. I heard nothing. My ears constantly feel muffled, with the faintest ringing in the background much of the time. My hearing has also grown exponentially worse. How much worse will it get? The idea of losing sight or sound terrifies me - the fact that both are leaving sooner than they should makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.